The Book Of Ruth: Chapter 14: Two for the Show

She’s so long.

I look at her ‘piggies’ and scan her all the way up to her blonde crown. There’s so much of her. It didn’t creep up on me but it’s still surprising.

I look at myself. I’m the same height. My hair is greyer. My eyes look a bit sadder, or wiser? My cheeks sag a bit. I’ve never been more myself.

Today she sat on her play mat and told me all about her day. She talks. So much. She tells me about all the fun things she and Janet, her early childhood educator, did. How she gave her hugs. How she ate sand, ’Ruth eat sand! Yuuuuummy!’. ‘Ruth jump on trampoline!’ She squeals. ‘Bunny so close!” She runs to the window. My little Elmer Fudd. Her eternal optimism that she’ll catch one fills me with my own hope that I can catch her where she’s at as she continues to change. Hop hop hop.

She is two. But what I didn’t know was how much I’d grow in two years. She is two and I am two. Two years of needing to know my limits. Two years of asking why I think the thoughts I think. Two years of needing to know when and how to ask for help. Two years of fighting for gentleness within myself.

She runs through the playground. I want to stop her from getting hurt but instead, I stop myself. I don’t want her to be scared like me, so I watch. I hope she can’t feel my heart rising in my throat. She takes a big step on the play structure. She misses. ‘Mommy! Help!”. Right, she can ask for me. Relationship. I don’t have to strong arm everything. We are in this dance together. I lead.

Her world is more her own now these days. She has friends. OPINIONS! She has struggles and joys during her days that I’m not there to witness or help with. I want to know everything! I remind myself to give her space. I need to give her space. I realize this as she shoves me away. “Mommy, all done!!!”. Fair.

She tries to open the freezer door to grab ice. Her favorite treat. I worry. Why can she hold onto a piece of ice for ten minutes? Doesn’t she feel the cold? Why doesn’t it bother her?”. The cold bothers me. IT creeps up my spine and shocks.

“Back it up”. I grab an ice cube for each hand. She crunches into the first piece. “ There you go. I’m here to help you. That’s mommy’s job.” My voice catches. It’s true and not true. I’ll always be here for her but as she grows there will be so many things I can’t explain. Why is the sky blue? Why are people cruel? Why are there so many storms? Why are Bernese Mountain Dogs superior canines? I won’t have all the answers.

Becoming a parent has left me with nothing but questions. Now, I question whether my decisions are drenched in fear, habit, and scarcity or curiosity, generosity, and love.

It made me realize I needed to spend my time in places that feel good. I wouldn’t want Ruth to accept something that didn’t feel right, after all. Why was that acceptable for me?

Once I knew she was happy at daycare. I was free to explore what I might need. What I might like? When it was just the two of us all day every day I found it hard to think about any of that, and by ‘that’ I mean myself. What does the me that has nothing to do with Ruth want?

I let the question swirl.

No answers.

People often ask about work. My new job. My new remote job in a new province. With all new people. None of us have any mutual friends or connections.

It’s been really something. Starting fresh.

Letting nothing but intuition guide me.

My new colleagues, well, they're really great. they are kind. Their egos seldom enter the chat. They genuinely care about me, their other colleagues, themselves. They understand I’m a mom. They understand that people have only so much capacity at any given time. And that nothing is as urgent as we make it seem. But still…get your shit done, y’know?

The protective voice inside me keeps warning: “Something bad is going to happen!”

Maybe it’s right. There may be something bad waiting for me in the future but I won’t let that ruin the joy I feel today.

I’ve opened up a small part of myself who can accept being accepted. A part that doesn’t have to tie itself into knots getting it right and wowing everyone all the time to feel okay. Not that I ever succeeded but that was for sure my goal a lot of the time. I’m learning that I’m worthy because we all are. We all deserve to feel safe and calm. We all deserve to know the only person we need approval from is our self.

I’m heading into Ruth’s third year full of gratitude. Her existence forced me to bring myself up right alongside her. I’m eternally grateful for the gift of motherhood. And all its fuckery. Who knew that a blog I started to

track her early days would become a story about raising myself.