Knocked up. Stressed out.

By Gabrielle Lazarovitz

I am 16 weeks pregnant. I started writing this when I was 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I am not super productive. Evidently. I thought I would keep a weekly account of this oft-proclaimed ‘magical time’. I didn’t because I was busy wondering if I was going to throw up or not. Sound exciting? When I’m not trying not to barf I’m thinking of everything I need to fix before I become a mother.

‘What things?’ asks no one.

Oh, just a few.

In no particular order:

My ability to clean my house.

My depression.

My career.

My wardrobe.

My ever-expanding chest.

My anxiety.

My relationship.

My relationships with each member of my immediate family.

My relationships with my extended family.

My relationship with Brisket. Will he be neglected because of the baby?!

My need to time travel and apologize to my late cat. She crawled onto my bed and died from ‘heartache’ (as Thomas likes to put it) when I was 23 and traipsing across Europe.

My relationship with ME!

My skincare routine. Nobody’s impressed with my cold water and Spectro gel sitch.

My fear of being a mother.

My fear that the world is on fire and I’m a monster for bringing someone else here.

My addiction to French’s fried onions AS A SNACK!

Listen, I understand the onion thing might be a real problem for a lot of you. And you are right to be upset. And I’m not even talking about the cute l’il grocery store containers. No. I’m talking about the costco sized feedbags.

*I’m not going to lie, this post will have more than one costco purchase suggestion. Did you know they have rad Kirkland Signature sweatshirts you can buy online?! Yeah. They sell out fast so you should defs check online NOW.

I know they say no one’s ready for parenthood. But I feel like I’m, like, reallllly not ready. I thought I was, hence me being pregnant but as things get realer...I don’t know. It’s not something you can really uncommit to. It’s pretty irreversible. I have a lot of gross concerns. Want to hear them? No? Cool.

MY concerns:

I am going to be a horrible mother.

I have nothing to offer a child.

I’m supposed to take care of a baby?! I am barely taking care of myself these days.

Also: I read an article about mothers who secretly hate their children and hate themselves for hating their children. Everyone I have mentioned this article to is like: ‘no! That’s ridiculous!’ But like….these women do exist. They’re out there! They’re in the article. Like they found enough of these people who were like ‘I’ve been hating my kid in silence. I must unburden myself! It’s killing me!!’. Listen, I plan on loving my kid. That’s the plan. I want to be a good mom, but like... just by mentioning this stupid article... people are looking at me weird like: ‘ummm Gabbie this is not a normal concern’. Does worrying about this mean I’ll be one of these unimpressed moms? Probably not. But there were enough mothers who felt this way to write a fucking article. And well.. I hate a lot of things. And I usually don’t know I hate something until I try it.

Too dark?

Fair.

Oh and there’s another fucking article that talks about how people who don’t have kids are wayyyyy happier and successful.

Fuck me up The Gaurdian and McLeans!

One thing I’ve learned in the little time I’ve been pregnant is: people do not like hearing about your fears. They’re gross. They’d rather you say words like: miracle, over the moon, fulfilled, purpose. They don’t like hearing you’re scared of:

Birth!

Perinatal depression! (oh you haven’t heard of this one? It’s fun. Look it up)

Motherhood!

Forgetting words all the time and you’re a writer!

Losing your identity!

Sleep deprivation!

Losing the only life you’ve ever known!* (provided by a friend who I won’t name because she may yell at me)

The child being/becoming a murderer or scuzzbag of some ill-repute! The ‘/’ is because of something else I’m scared of:

Nature vs. Nurture!

Ruining a life!

Ruining my body!

Not being pregnant only from the front (gasp!)!

Being too stupid to help with kindergarten-level homework!

Lice!

My own shadow!

ETC!!!!!

Birth! Did I mention birth? This is a fucking Freddy Kruger designed nightmare. What kind of sadistic, twisted, maniacal engineer came up with this bullshit design.

*Breathe*

Okay. I have many more fears but I want to semi-hold your attention until the end of this thing.

I also hope that talking about all this stuff doesn’t cause harm to people who’ve been on a fertility journey. After my miscarriage it felt like the whole world was pregant. It could be really isolating. I’m sure this could be super triggering for anyone struggling with that and, well, I’m sorry. It can be a real bitch of a journey. And yeah, I feel bad even having these worries especially after wanting a baby. I don’t have a cute thing to say to tie this section up. sorrryyyy.

I guess this is kind of my pregnancy announcement. How’s it going? Are you impressed? Is it being well received?

Basically, I’m scared. I have anxiety and depression, not to mention all the hormones. So, unknowns can really throw me into a tailspin.

Have I gotten into work feelings yet? Oh yeah, work! How could I forget. I truly feared telling my work because I wasn’t permanent yet, didn’t know people well, and I worried about stigma. Would I be ostracized and infantilized? Would I be babied and taken off projects? Or would it be business as usual even though I’m not exactly business as usual? Did I secretly want to be babied? Would I be permitted to attend my doctor’s appointments? Would I have to work late to make up the time? Has a man ever had to worry about these things? I worried that I was going to barf in the middle of meetings. Thank fuck I work from home. I tip my gd hat to women who commuted during this shit. And then there’s the worrying if all these thoughts I’m having are somehow anti-feminist and backwards.

Then there’s the post-baby work worries. What if I become Brisket-level obsessed with the thing and don’t want to go back to work? What if I hate being at home and want to go back to work ASAP? What if I want to go back but I find the balance too difficult? What if I never reach my full potential because my focus is too divided? What if there was no potential and I’m just super mediocre? What if something like an asteroid comes and wipes us all out or something like... I dunno….a pandemic?!

Basically, I feel like the future is a big blank slate and I haven’t refined my art skills. In fact, I can’t even find my art supplies.

If all the honesty and very little solution is annoying, I hear you. But there’s a reason I felt the need to share this less than exuberant reaction to one of life’s biggest decisions: we’ve all had to grin and bear a lot over the last 14 months. I don’t want anyone to silently contemplate these fears and think they’re alone or a monster for having them.

I’m no mommy blogger. I’m barely even a blogger. My last post was over six months ago and it was about the dog. Riveting. But writing all this down will be a marker of this specific time in my life where I didn’t know a lot about what I was doing or what to expect while expecting. I won’t be the best mom in the world but I’m going to do my best. And I’m going to do it as honestly, and openly, and as bullshit-free as possible. And maybe that will make one person feel a little less alone. And maybe, just maybe that person will be my kid.

PS: they have chocolate-covered mango at Coscto. AND they sell Birkenstocks for like $60 online. You're welcome.