Bitchmaxxing

Life hacks for the perpetually online lady approaching 40.

Gear up my gals for a post full of groundbreaking stuff that I’m sure you’ve never heard before. Anywhere. And is in no way satirical or commentary on what it’s like to live in the age of social media while appraoching a certain age, and also raising tiny humans.

Let me be real with you for a second. If I am to believe what the internet is telling me I need a new face. Yes, a new one. the factory settings are a mess and we need to start over. Not a refresh. A brand spankin newborn one. We’re talking infant face. A 3 monther. And just like a newborn it will make you cry, bruise, puff up, and question everything. Fuck your face. I’m your friend. I’ll tell you the truth based off the internet. Your face sucks. Chop it up, cut it, go under sedation, and just get a new one you old hag. You’ll be sooooooo much happier. Money is fleeting. A new face is forever?.... wait that can’t be right.

Next life hack: start hating parts of your body you didn’t know existed. Under knee waddle? Laser it off. Neck vein? Microneedle it. Finger fat? Lipo that disgusting pinky, it’s giving thumb energy. Or hell, just chop it off with a Henkel paring knife. Hit the link in bio for a sharp deal.

Next bit of advice? Forget walking outside. That place is totally on fire. Use this AI prompt for better ideas of where to walk. And luckily it only uses 1780 gallons of water to yield your results. Speaking of water, stop drinking water. Altogether. We need that for AI. Don’t be selfish.

Oh, and if you’ve ever wondered if you’re a Bad Parent? Have I got all the answers for you! I have read the internet for at least five years so I have all the answers now. Yes, I am a middle-class white women with exactly one child with a specific temperament and no qualifications but holy hell have I got a lot of opinions on what you’re doing wrong! And my answer is: everything. Just joking. But for real, you’re really doing it wrong. All of it. Ask yourself: have you whispered 129 sweet nothing’s into your 4 year old’s ear before they wake up? Oh, I guess you don’t care about their holistic wellbeing. Oh, and you let them eat candy? Their picky eating is a personal flaw that you passed down to them. So…yeah, I hate to be honest but…. Also, you being awful is why they don’t trust your leadership. You have fried their nervous system and they will now be a murdered. I’m your friend I am here to tell you the truth. Sorry, they are five so all the damage from your shit ass parenting is already done.

But you gotta make time for you, mamma. Make sure you don’t burn out. Carve out that me-time. But also do every single thing on your to-do list, f’real don’t drop those balls, or your child will have attachment issues. Shame and guilt are bad for the soul but you should definitely feel a lot of shame and guilt about how bad you’re fucking up. If you want to know how to reduce feelings of shame and guilt you can buy my course at the link.

Okay take a deep cleansing breath. You know why you haven’t been promoted at work? Because you’re not committed to having it all. You aren’t bitchmaxxing. Everyone hates a bitch, but you have to be one to get ahead. But you can’t be a hyper bitch hahahahaha no, or no one will like you. But you can’t be a push over. Nobody respects a push over. Be nice but not like the kind of nice where people think you’re dumb. But don’t be too smart because that makes other people feel bad about themselves. Don’t be a people pleaser but like don’t be selfish. Being selfish is the opposite of what a woman should be. But ugly is also the opposite of what a woman should be. Just… don’t be a too-nice mean ugly bitch. It’s not like it’s hard. Keep up.

Oh and your hands. Did I mention they’re looking..old? Vogue told me our hands are what gives away our age. Tweak and chop that face up as much as I told you to earlier on in this series but really the fuck is happening to your hands? Age spots barf. Disgusting. Here’s some goo and mitts to wear at night. Don’t worry if you try and itch your face in your sleep and it feels like a stranger’s hand trying to strangle you...that’s just in the beginning of it starting to work. It’s fleeting. But pain is beauty, honey. Or is it beauty is pain? I think you can interchange those two. Anyway, moving on.

Have you been meditating? Oh wait, an emergency alert is going off on my phone. Never mind it’s just a tornado warning. But the Facebook weather guy with the crowdfunded YouTube channel told me it’s fine. Ever since we stopped getting the news online, all I have to do to get up to minute extreme weather updates is click through seven screens and five ads to find out EVERYTHING IS FINE. We are fine, mamma. Everything it good.

Back to meditating. ARE YOU DOING IT?! How about yoga? Did you get 10,000 steps today? You did. Did you wear your weighted vest? Oh. You’re goanna want to get one. You are approaching 40. You have to lift. Unless you want to die. And make sure you get all those blood panels done. That anxiety is not just regular anxiety it’s a brand new perimenopause form of anxiety. Buckle up buttercup you may be in for a bumpy ride. But I’m not a doctor. But I have curated a list of all the local doctors that will consider putting you on their waitlist. Hit the link for my discount code for primenopause care providers.

Also, how’s the house doing? You have to keep it spotless or your child will think you don’t love them enough to clean. But remember, a clean house isn’t a moral thing. But if it’s not clean you’re gross and everyone will think you’re gross. And a bad person. Here’s a link to this mop that is a bit too short and flings water at you when you wring it dry. Use my discount code for 1.55% off!

How about that side part? It’s very ‘the millennial urge’. Cut that out. And those skinny jeans you threw out five months ago. They’re back in style. Sorry about making you throw them out. But also it’s gross when ladies over 27 wear them so maybe just stick to those barrel jeans. For now. Rickets are in. But not past labour day. And maybe keep the side part because it covers more of that aging forehead of yours. It’s millennial core but keep those wrinkles covered. Trust me.

Okay now that we’ve got the small stuff out of the way, how’s your small stuff doing? Yeah that’s right, I’m talking about that inner child you’ve been neglecting. You really should do a better job of checking in. You are upset with your kid because you’re upset with your inner kid. Y’feel? It’s because your inner child is an anxiously attached puddle of axieTEA. Grab a spoon and stir that piping hot dose of reality because it’s about to get realer. Just pick yourself up and get it the fuck together. Cuddle that inner baby and let her know it’s all gonna be a-okay. But like…and here’s the most important part: don’t talk about it with people. Anybody really. It’s weird. Don’t weird your village out, mamma. You don’t want to be like.. kicked out of the cave Yellow Jacket’s style. Don’t be a Jackie. Be one of the cannibal ones. Or whatever. Nobody still watches that show so I don’t know how it ends or if there’s a moral lesson in there but I’m just speaking metaphorically here, bub. Basically, keep the weird stuff to yourself but also heal yourself and figure it out so you don’t become one of those sad old-looking weird old ladies. Mmmmkay? Just be kind to yourself, mamma. You are enough!

So, Yeah. I think we got it all covered. If you have any questions comment ‘Lifemaxxing’ below and I’ll send you my guide for living your best lady life at almost 40.