Getting Real About Real Estate.

Ah, life in Ottawa...what can I say?! It's quieter than Toronto, it's drier (culturally) than Toronto, and I'll be damned if it isn't cheaper than Toronto. But that by no means means it's cheap, by any stretch of the imagination.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is: Thomas and I, four days before our fourth wedding anniversary, bought a house. WTF.

Disclaimer: what I'm about to talk about is a very privileged experience and I'm still struggling with the fact that this happened and what that means. I think it means I'm officially even more of an asshole, if that were possible. I'm sorry. We are now part of a group of people who are able to play the real estate game. Please keep in mind I'm well aware I'm an asshole in every scenario. This one is no different. In the spirit of transparency, much like people sharing how much they make so others can fight for the same, I want to share a bit about our experience. I hope this may help you when you set out on your home buying journey or are contemplating home ownership for the first time. Because I didn't know any of this when we started, and I still don't really, but I'm happy to share what I've learned.

Now, this may be the smartest or dumbest financial decision we've made in our lives. Lest we forget the housing crisis of 2008 in the US. Only the future knows how things will pan out. Because as much as I keep saying I'm clairvoyant and that I can see the future, I can't. Please don't ever tell Thomas I admitted that because, I hate it when he's right. You never know what the choices you make will bring so I set out on this journey with good intentions and probably an unhealthy amount of fear.

I never really thought I, personally, would ever be in a position to buy a house. As an actor, many of us resign ourselves to the idea that we will never be able to dream of homeownership. the pay is so low and the work is so sporadic it makes it tough to plan. At least it did for me. That was my experience. There was a little voice that whispered at me for years. "Bitch, you are not Bob Villa. You will not only, never own a house, you may not ever be invited to a house. At the very least, you will never understand what the fuck Bob Villas on about. Because you. Will. Never. Own. Shit...except for your shitty car that got monster trucked and will now forever sound like a lion got trapped under the hood." Bob Villa. Yup. How's that for a dated, topical reference?! Then there was a meaner voice that would say things like "you haven't earned the right to own a home! What have you ever done?!" That voice is still chatting to me, don't worry. And then my moderate internal voice said things like "ah renting is smart. Save whatever money you can and squirrel it away for retirement... if you even live that long. Which you won't, if you keep eating those bags of your favourite toxic pretzels in bed every night." I still think renting is super smart. It's hard to say which tactic is the right one, especially in this market.

But as I secured a job at a place I like, with people I am sure that in the appropriate amount of time I will claim to love, I started to think...maybe this isn't impossible. Maybe I can try to plant some roots. maybe I can seeeee if it's possible.

And then I met the market.

*warning is you are an anxious person like your writer, me, feel free to stop reading. This shit is infuriating.*

We met our realtor three or four years ago when Thomas and I we're considering looking for a house. The first time. That is, until I decided I was bailing on everything and going back to school. "See ya suckers!" I screamed, as I flipped my peace fingers upside down and made a fart sound with my tongue a la Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Another dated, topical reference! Yas! I had successfully ran away from responsibility yet again! Huzzah! Life is so easy when you're on the run!

Fast forward twelve very short months later (time flies when you're having the time of your life) and I was back. My patient husband was ready to nest. So we set out on the insane journey into the hottest market Ottawa has probably ever seen. No problem. Super easy. For sure!

No, I won't make you take out your abacus. I'll save you time and tell you the truth: shit is expensive. Semi-detached nothings within the greenbelt are going for prices so high it will make you sick. Or just make you think ramen is the entire Canada's food guide...for financial reasons. Now, I don't want to talk numbers because they have always bummed me out. Real estate numbers don't only bum me out, they anxiety me out. What I want to do (instead of stress and doom and gloom those of my friends who are thinking of buying a home sometime soon or who aren't as versed in the rat race) is shed some light on our process and some thoughts I've had along the way which will hopefully help a little.

Here's my Buzzfeed-esque listicle:

1) The asking price is a sticker price. Nay, a fun nonsense number designed to trick you.

It's a joke meant to reel suckers in. Make them think they can afford something. Encourage them to make a bid. And then laugh and laugh. Your realtor is your best friend here. They know the numbers and let you know what's really happening out there and how to position yourself as best as possible.

This is a sad reality. It seems that the group of people looking for homes under 600k are mostly first time home buyers around our age and a bit younger. Houses 650k and above have a much less competitive market. So, all the people trying to get into the market are being pitted against each other. And as a result, treat the housing market like eBay circa the early aughts. You have no real idea what something is actually worth, but you'll be damned if you lose it by .50 cents! This is the Ottawa housing market in 2020 dumdum. Because the sticker prices are so undervalued you have to hedge your bets, try and figure out the psychology of buyers and sellers, and make your most insane outlandish bids.

This goes against everything I believe in. It is so exceptionally capitalist, greedy, and confusing that it thoroughly grossed me out. I even suggested to random people I'd never met before at house viewings, that we should start a Facebook group of people looking for houses in the same price range! We can make a pact to make sure everyone in the group gets a home and we won't upbid each other! We could unite and rebel against the sellers' market and rise up as the people! Together! United! tWe'll never be defeated! The un-taken-advantage-of! We the people! Together we stand divided we fall!!!!!!!!!! *Rah rah rah!* Then Thomas told me to chill the fuck out. Stop harassing couples I don't know. And realize that's an insane idea that only takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch. Disclaimer: I still think this is an okay idea. It's the only way!

2) Conditions aren't a thing anymore!

Want to put a condition on a house, like, sayyyy....I don't know....if you find out the roof if busted and will permanently turn your entire house into a shower after you've inspected the place, and you want to change your mind? Ha ha! that's so cute! You cannot make conditions silly head! Someone else won't and they will get the house because you wanted to play it smart/safe. Why? Why the hell not! This game of Monopoly is basically all the bad chance cards. Be dumb. Be reckless. It's the only way.

3) trust your gut.

We saw one home and our realtor was very excited about it. I got one look at the place and was like "nope. nah-uh. Not going to happen. Bye." Why? The place gave me the heebie jeebies. Don't know why. Just did. I fucking hated that place. Like really hated it. Unreasonably. There was a bad vibe check all around that place the second I walked in. No bueno. If I had listened to our realtor's pretty reasonable reasons for liking the place, I would now be living in a place I hate and to be frank, creeped me out. No matter what anyone says, listen to your gut and get a good vibe check on the space. Houses have energy, and you want to be able to go into the basement without running back up the stairs in a panic seconds later because you're sure there's a clown down there laying in wait to murder you and Thomas.

4) Don't take any advice.

this blog post might be version 2.0 of that insipid Toronto Life article that enraged all of Toronto because the people whining in the article spent over a mill on a shit shack and complained they needed to ask their parents to add gold fixtures. Basically fuck me and my privilege and anyone who tells you how to live your life and what you should do. I trust you. Do you.

5) Don't make an offer if you're just caught up in 'winning'.

The best advice we got was "only pay what you think the house is actually worth and can live with paying." Even if it means you won't get it. The only thing worse than not getting the house, is getting a house for an amount you don't think it's worth. That would be a bad feeling. Nobody wants to feel like a sucker or live way beyond their means. That's a scary feeling. The market is wildly competitive right now and competitive people are gonna compete. Try not to let this perfectly human instinct take over your decision making. Don't do something that will put you in a tough situation. Basically, this is a good exercise in setting boundaries and living within them.

6) Write a letter!

Apparently our letter made the woman selling our house cry. Now, we aren't 100% sure this happened but, Roberta, you and me both sister because that letter was a tough write. Having to rationalize our deservedness is equal parts interesting, gross, and humbling. But it can make a difference in the sellers decision making so put your best foot forward. Write that letter.

Here's an open-ended offer: if anyone wants to use our letter as a template, feel free to edit/rewrite/tailor it to your own experience. I don't want you to have to slave over that part of the process. It's emotional and taxing and things happen quickly, so if you want to use ours as a template, and gloss over details and change the names, etc, just say the word and I'll send it over to you. Be my guest. I hope it can save you some time and brainpower during your search. And I'm a writer by trade now, so you know it's semi-decent based solely on the fact that someone pays me to write stuff all day. Thank you kind employer for giving me money for dick jokes. Mucho appreciate you. Big time!

And finally, I wanted this post to be a subtle way to say "happy anniversary" to Thomas. The guy takes a lot of my shit and I don't often say, "hey, man, thanks for not leaving to get a pack of smokes and never coming back. Because...I wouldn't blame ya. I mean, I would. I'd be super pissed and hunt you down. But, like, thanks for not making me do that." Not a lot of people would be calm, supportive, and encouraging when their partner decides to uproot their plans and go back to school. He has held down the fort so many times in the past and will yet again move all of our shit by himself because I'll be stuck in rehearsals for this or that. I mess a lot of things up but I'm glad our marriage hasn't been one of them. Yet. No whammy no whammy, no jinxies, no takesies backsies! Happy fourth wedding anniversary. Thanks for letting me playfully scream at you while you're in the bathroom trying to get five minutes peace from me. And always coming back out. Eventually.

And to anyone reading this, our doors are always open to you. Please come visit. There's a lot fo painting to do :)

big love,

Gab