New year. New Jew.
A long time ago, I resolved never to make resolutions. This year, I made one anyway. To be a better Jew. And this doesn’t mean you’ll catch me at Temple but you may catch some new reactions to your ‘material’.
If you know me, you know I am a *bit* of a loud mouth who stops at nothing for a good joke. The world and politics are in a weird place right now. The very nature of comedy has changed from ‘making fun of______’ to ‘sensitive, charismatic storytelling’. I enjoy both styles of comedy and think society gravitates to what they find funny and necessary. That’s human nature and if you have a problem with that ...you’re probably someone who is sad you can’t make fun of people with less power than you anymore. Punch up my dudes, not down. Punching down is lazy. The tide has turned, I know, it’s rough. I feel for ya. Tough times, my bruh.
In the past, I thought of everything as fair game for a quick yuck. But as things get stranger and old societal habits rear their ugly heads, my willingness to put my Jewishness out there in a bouffant way as to call out bias blind spots/racism lessens. I feel more weary to make light of it in this darkness. Basically, people don’t realize they might not like Jews as much as they think they do.
Based on my years of experience and a few awkward moments this holiday...this unspeakable bears some conversation. It’s hard to realize you might have some skewed views and not so great feelings towards certain groups of people. Nobody wants to think they have racist thought patterns. But, well, quite simply people say racist shit to me all the time because...I don’t know, Jews. We look like you, we sound like you, but baby, we ain’t you. The proof of this hatred is in the past, the news, and your twitter feed. #Anti-Semitism.
Throughout my life I’ve had my fair share of innocuous comments, friendly jabs, and straight- up bad jokes hurled my way. My younger self would disregard them and shrug them off in a bid to fit-in better. Be cool. Or deflect the hatred because I didn’t know how to process it. But as the temperature heats up politically, the more I’m being forced to look at what’s being presented to me and what I’m putting out into the world, myself.
Growing up as a secular Jew, I always thought of liberalism and leftism as my personal religion. But I was quickly made to realize the barriers people put between them and myself based on nothing more than the blood running through my veins.
When I tell my gentile friends about what is said to me, they often seem shocked, confused, or in straight-up disbelief. When I recount the ‘jokes’ I’ve been told about myself, they understandably recoil. People love saying these things one on one. Directly to me. A lack of an audience means you can test out your material on me, see if it crosses the line, or see if this okay to say? I cringe to think of what is said when I’m not there. But, sometimes I do get to hear what’s said when I’m ‘not there’, because my otherness isn’t immediately recognizable and people feel free to say what they want among friends. *Spoiler* some of it is anti-Semitic as hell. Having to grin through these comments is painful and shameful but I’m learning a kinder way to navigate these waters. All this stuff takes time.
My internalized need for approval and to keep things light almost always wins out over my impulse to let you know what’s up. Here’s a smattering of what I’m talking about: “what a cute hook your nose has! No, really, it’s not as big as the other Jews I know.” “Oh, don’t even talk to me about money! Jews have it all anyways!”. (btw, ‘anyways’ isn’t a word so there’s two offensive things being said here) “Maybe, don’t mention that you’re Jewish to so-and-so. They’re very ...religious….christians.” “Oh my god, how did you have a hard time being an actress? Jews run Hollywood! You’re right in with them!”. *Someone sees a quarter on the ground* “Hey Gabbie, bet it was hard to walk past that one! Ahahahahah!” Also some ‘joke’ about a cheap milkman. Etc. etc. etc. These are just the few I can remember and I have been actively trying to forget.
I say this not to evoke sympathy or shame but to lift the veil of some ‘harmless’ stereotypes that you may not realize are very anti-semitic. perhaps not treating them as such is how small biases become widespread fuelled movements. Please think about why you think these things, and perhaps change the narrative in your mind, or at the very least, please keep the thoughts to yourself. I won’t be awkwardly ignoring them and changing the subject any more. Yup, I’ll start asking you if you know what you said and why it’s a problem. That’s my new year’s resolution to myself. Is that title starting to make more sense?
My favourite Jew joke is not a joke but in-fact is just truth. The joke is: intergenerational trauma has given me a heightened ability to know when to get the fuck outta there. I can feel danger from miles away, and baby, you know I’m ready to run.This is not a joke. This is facts. And lately, as I mentioned, I’ve been feeling a heating up, a temperature change, a boldness from people who are less and less afraid to say questionable things to me. A whiff of resentment. A bristling at my mentioning who I am. A turning up of noses. This all has me mentally lacing up my running shoes.
I’m not sure what’s causing this. Old habits die hard I guess? When I was much younger I used to ‘joke’ and say, ‘Oh, hating Jews is like fashion. It’s cyclical. It always comes back in style.” This is funny because it’s true. Or reversely, it’s not at all fucking funny, because it’s true. I am extremely perturbed by the articles I’m seeing online and in the news. Things like this: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/31/nyregion/nyc-anti-semitic-attacks.html
And this:
https://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/anti-semitism-grows-in-jewish-communities-in-nyc-suburbs/2253546/
And this:
https://www.floridatoday.com/story/news/2019/12/31/antisemitism-rise-brevard-county-say-jewish-faith-leaders-adl/2341158001/.
My personal Jewishness can be a lonely experience at times. I do not actively observe holidays. I eat sometimes when I am supposed to be fasting. I have issues with the misogyny. I get confused for Italian as much as I’m identified as jewish. I married outside the faith. I have been called out for not being an ‘active Jew’. I have felt shame that it took me a second to realize I was not being called fat. I am known to enjoy a bacon cheeseburger. And I feel very sad and conflicted about Israel. I know less than most about the Holocaust because it used to trigger panic in me as a child. My experience is singular and universal. I think everyone can understand feeling both a part of and separated from the pack.
Recently, a close friend suggested I take a look at the possibility of some self-hatred that might be going on within myself. This knocked the wind out of me. Because, as far as I'm concerned, I am very firm in my pride of my Jewishness. However -ish it may be. But it caused a stir and made me examine how I present myself to the outside world. It also made me realize I may not be perceived as Jewish enough by my community, and too Jewish for racists. This is a paradox that will continue to follow me like my shadow. It also brought up many questions. Questions like: Am I ‘allowed’ to have a stance on my Jewishness if my relation to it mostly consists of blood? Do I let others judgment of me shape how I see and present myself? How subtle of a joke is subtle enough to let it slide? Am I allowed to make jokes if it unintentionally opens the door for others outside the faith to do the same? These questions have many answers and cause debate which, in itself, is very jewish.
So here are a few things I would love to share with you as a result of my experiences and the conversations I’ve had over the years. I apologize this didn’t come in the moment and that I failed to make myself clear at the time. So here are some truths that are meant to be delivered with kindness, shame-free intentions, and to bring us together rather than pull us apart. I hope you can understand these are the thoughts I was too scared to voice for a long time but seem more pertinent now than ever:
Just because Canadians have lived with Jews for a ‘long time’ and you ‘accept us’ as the mainstream doesn’t mean I will agree with your racism towards other groups or newcomers. We were all once newcomers (except for the indigenous peoples who were robbed of their right to this land). We were once othered. We were once the object of your derision. We are the classic scapegoats and that is something not to be forgotten. I may look like you, but I am not you, and that’s perfectly fine. We shouldn’t all be the same. I like jokes but never at the expense of someone else’s dignity because that shit’s offensive and it’s lazy af.
The next time you try and test out your material on me or anyone from a minority group, visible or otherwise, please think of this post and maybe, I dunno, don’t? Or ask me a question instead of making an assumption because you feel uncomfortable. We’ve all said our fair share of not great things. Pobody’s nerfect. Let’s learn instead of shame spiral.
All this is to say, well, nothing and everything. The thing is, I haven’t come to any finite conclusions. What I do know is I’m uncomfortable and that usually means growth is happening. What I also know is that I’m lucky to have friends who hold the mirror up to me and kindly ask if I like what I see. Thank you for challenging me to dig deeper and question old habits.
So please, next time you’re thinking of maybe saying something questionably shitty, perhaps take a breath, look me in the eye, and let’s have a real conversation instead. Or ask me a question. I won't be too uncomfortable to answer them.
But hey, all you’re getting is one person's perspective, because none of us can speak for an entire group of individuals. Well, except for Coco the talking monkey, because she, literally, was the only member of her tribe who could speak. And that, my friends, is how you tell a joke!
Love, light, and challah,
Gab