Starting Over Again
Welp, what can I say? I love quitting. There's nothing more freeing than taking stock of your life, looking at it straight in the face, and saying to yourself...."Self, let's burn this shit down!"
While my reasons for starting over were far less dramatic, I did make the decision to go back to school at the ripe old age of 25. And even though I am definitely lying about my age, I did honestly go back to school. Studying Advertising Copywriting was not what I expected, it was so much better. If you don't know what copywriting is, that's ok, no one who doesn't do it does. Look it up and meet me back here.
Making my decision was scary, and challenging, and humbling, but it was the best decision I've made in a long time. These days the zeitgeist is all about being 'vulnerable'. Thanks Brene Brown, we don't deserve you! And there is no more vulnerable a feeling than looking a bunch of bright eyed, whip-smart, fellow 23 year olds in the face and saying "I deserve to be here, no I'm not your teacher, and no, I can't tell you what it's like to go through menopause."....super weird ageist questions, kids.
I honestly didn't know if I could hack it or if I was throwing a shit ton of money down the drain when I walked through the former-psyche ward doors of Humber Lakeshore. Seriously, the place used to be a psychiatric hospice, and it is a super calming campus. But the more I kept with it, fumbling my way through the dark, the more I learned and convinced myself that "I can't be the worst writer in the room, right?" And with that self-effacing mantra I pushed through every project and challenge while building a bit of self esteem. Steady as she goes.
As the year went on, my confidence went up and down like a rollercoaster until I levelled off and stopped judging myself so much. It helps that this work happens so quickly. You don't hav time to worry and obsess because that deadline is coming and you've got to get something, anything down on paper. Any shame you may feel gets pushed to the side because you've got another internal, pitch, or newsletter coming down the pike. There's not a lot of time for existential dread, which happens to be my second favorite passtime besides Netflix. But when there's a Netflix series about existential dread. Oh mama, am I ever a happy nihilist. Go Bojack Horseman!
The people in my class were...at the risk of gushing....incredible. They were kind and adorable but mostly they were smart. Like capital S Smart. They pushed me to shake off the cobwebs clouding my brain and just shut up and be better. Who am I kidding, I didn't shut up. I mean...after only a month and a bit of being out of school, one of them has renamed a Toronto street to Raptors way, another's created a huge social media impact with Hondad, and they're working all over Toronto. It's pretty incredible to see them find their professional identities and start to fly. I am really proud and in awe of them in a way a that only a pushy-mother-that-no-one-wanted-or-asked-for could be.
I'm also proud of myself. I remember being at a friend's cottage with Thomas around thanksgiving last year and I was feeling lost and scared. I turned to him and said "what if I don't graduate? What if I suck? What if I can't finish?" and Thomas, who always knows what you need to hear and not always what you want to hear, looked me straight in the eye and said "you gotta cut that shitty thinking out. You might not finish first, but you're finishing." And that solidified that I would, in fact, see this through...or that fucker might have had his last button pushed by his flighty wife. Things turned around after that weekend and I started to not give so many shits. I cannot express how important this rule is. Do. Not. Give. Too. Many. Shits! I really forced myself to look at school as the opportunity that it is. It was a chance to learn something new. The longer I live on this formerly-green earth, the more I get the feeling that that's what life is all about: learning. It isn't about being great, or recognized, or even safe. It's about continuing to put yourself in scenarios that scare you and challenge you so; you; learn. That doesn't mean every experience will be good because life isn't about consistent states of happiness and fluffy stuff. It's about finding a balanced place so you can deal with the ups and downs that unknowns ultimately bring.
I think I got off topic there for a second but this is my chance to write sentences that are more than 8 words long so....sue me!
But basically I just wanted to express my gratitude for being in a position to fail. I'm working at an agency that gives us ample opportunities to do just that. Sometimes my super talented partner and I get a win and sometimes we lose but we're learning every step of the way. If you had told me this time last year that I'd be where I am now, I don't know if I'd have believed you, but I'd thank you for caring enough about my future to think about it at all. Thanks for doing that. Thanks for cheering me on and making me feel like this big jump was a small step. Thanks for reading this stream of consciousness post so I can now clear my head and go back to writing thinly veiled dick jokes for big corporations. Have a great week!
Love,
G